At first I thought the following was somebody's light-hearted attempt at finding some humor in the reponses to the phone calls that animal shelters and rescue groups receive on a daily basis, but then I realized these really could be found on a rescuer's anssering machine. I don't know who wrote it but thank you to Kelly for sending it to me.

Hello: You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:

If you think we are veterinarians and want free medical advice... Press 1

If you know we are a rescue organization but want to save money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway... Press 2

If you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay the "stray" in your yard (house)... Press 3

If you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away... Press 4

If you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and dogs at the same time... Press 5

If your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation... Press 6

If you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away... Press 7

If your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model... Press 8

If you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not active and is going to outlive you... Press 9

If your relative has died and you don't want to care for their elderly dog because it doesn't fit your lifestyle... Press 10

If you are moving today and need to immediately place your 15 pound, 8-year-old dog... Press 11

If you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick up the dog you no longer want... Press 12

If you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your dog... Press 13

If you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog off on your way to work... Press 14

To leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message... Press 15

If you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our responsibility... Press 16

If you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog to be euthanized because I won't take it... Press 17

If you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the audacity to go on vacation and leave the dogs in care of a trusted volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet... Press 18

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